Something Clicked
by My2BrownEyes
Summary: A companion piece to No Tables Left. Because Steve needed to tell his side. Steve Rogers tells of the first time he met Loki...in Europe during World War II. Angst/Romance.


**A/N: **I do not own any of the Marvel characters. Apparently, they own me.

* * *

_It's good to see you again, Steve. What would you like to talk about today?_

_Okay, I'll start. How are the history lessons going?_

It's hard to think of it as history when it was supposed to be your future.

_Is that why you look so pensive today? You're thinking of the time you've missed?_

I'm always thinking about the time I've missed. And just when I stop, there's something else to remind me.

_Like what? Give me an example._

It doesn't matter.

_Of course it matters. If you spend your life thinking about the time you've missed, you'll miss the time you have._

Did you read that on a poster?

_I understand Tony Stark has been trying to help you adjust._

Tony Stark is back in California dealing with his own issues. I'm here. He's been nice but…

_But?_

But that isn't the problem. That isn't…

You said this was confidential right? That anything I tell you remains between us? You can't tell S.H.I.E.L.D. what we discuss?

_That's right. The only thing I can discuss with them is whether I think you are psychologically fit to be in the field. Is there something you'd like to discuss with me? Something on your mind?_

_Whatever it is, you can tell me._

Loki.

_Loki – The man responsible for the Battle of New York._

Yes, that Loki.

I met him before.

_Yes, I know. In Germany. He almost defeated you, but then Iron Man showed up and helped you capture him. _

Yes. But no. I mean I met him before that…in 1943.

_Are you sure? _

Yes. I had forgotten until yesterday, but I knew there was something familiar about him. It was bugging me. And then yesterday I was listening to the ipod the Professor gave me, and it clicked.

_What clicked? _

How I knew him. Who he was. Who I thought he was.

_Who did you think he was? _

An officer newly returned from Africa. We met once. Never saw him again…or at least I thought I hadn't.

_You remembered meeting him in 1943. _

Yes.

_Just once? _

Yes.

_How can you be sure it was him? _

It was very memorable.

_How so? Tell me about it. _

It was in a bar. There weren't any open tables. He was sitting alone looking all…He was sitting alone.

_Looking all what? _

My buddies and I asked if we could join him. He agreed. He was…different.

_Looking all what, Steve? _

Attractive.

_In what way? _

He was observant, intelligent, handsome. His eyes…His eyes were different then. Maybe that's why I didn't remember.

_Different how? _

They were green, guarded but not menacing, taking everything in, giving very little back. I thought he was a spy.

_Was he? _

No. Maybe but not like I thought. He didn't act like a spy.

_How did he act? _

Like what he said, an officer who was in a classified unit, unwilling to give out much information. Even among fellow soldiers we tended to keep our mouths shut about certain things. You never knew who might be a German spy. And he said his work was classified. He could have been court martialed for telling us anything. The only thing slightly strange was that he didn't know who I was. Still, that seemed genuine. Refreshing.

The guys started talking at that point, telling stories about some of our past missions. He seemed interested at first, but then he got bored. I could see it in his eyes. He eventually left the table, and I joined him at the bar.

_Did he ask you to join him? _

No. I wanted to buy him a drink to make up for taking over his table. But then he told me his name, and it was just so odd. Sergeant Loki Friggason. There was no way that could be a real name. I decided to stay to see if he was a spy. I needed to find out for sure. At least, that's what I told myself.

But then I showed him the picture of Peggy I kept inside my compass.

_And? _

And he touched my hand, and I knew I was lying.

_What did you decide was the real reason you stayed? _

I told you before.

_Tell me again. _

I found him attractive.

_Attractive as a person? A soldier? _

_A lover? _

You really gonna make me say it?

_I think it would be good for you to admit it, yes. _

All three.

_I see. I think you should say it. _

I was attracted to him. I was…physically attracted to him. I kept that damn compass open for a lot longer than I should have just to keep his hand on mine. It was cold, but it sent a tingle up my arm. I didn't want it to ever leave.

He made some comments about Peggy, asked me questions. I looked at her picture, but all I could think of was him, the feel of his hand on mine, his eyes, his cheekbones, his mouth. I wanted to draw him. I wanted to strip him naked and draw him.

_Just draw him? _

At that point, yes.

_And did you draw him? _

Yes. A quick sketch as he slept, his brown shirt wrinkled, the collar open exposing his throat. It was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.

I have no idea where that sketchbook is. Probably in some trash heap somewhere.

_How does that make you feel, knowing it's lost? _

How do you think?!

Sorry, but it's a stupid question, like newscasters asking people who have just been through a disaster how they feel.

How do you think it feels? It feels like shit. It feels like I should be on that trash heap, too, like I should have stayed lost with it.

_You've done a lot of good since you were freed from the ice. New York would have fallen without you. _

Would it? Or could I have somehow prevented it by getting to know Loki then. Wouldn't that have been better?

_Do you really think you could have prevented it? _

I don't know. I only know that the man I met then was very different from the one I met a couple of months ago.

_What else did you talk about back then in 1943? _

Him, funnily enough. He told me his name was Loki, and we talked about the Norse god. It never occurred to me that that's who I was actually talking to. He asked me what my favorite Loki story was. I told him it was the one where he bet his head and lost. But then he tells Odin that they can't take his head without hurting his neck, and his neck wasn't part of the bargain.

I told him I always wondered if Shakespeare got the pound of flesh decision in uThe Merchant of Venice/u from that story.

"He did," he replied.

I remember thinking it sounded like he was actually there. But I knew that wasn't possible. Only maybe it was.

He asked about my art. He had seen me doodle on a napkin. He wanted to see my sketches. I remember wondering if it was an innocent request or…

Then his leg was touching mine. It sent a thrill through me that was shameful. I should have pulled away. Then Bucky came over and reminded me to watch myself. He tried to get me to go back to the table. He came over twice I remember.

_He thought Loki was a spy, too? _

I don't know. I think he just knew how I felt, didn't want the others to find out.

_So Bucky knew you found men attractive? _

Yeah. He figured it out a while back. I think that might have been one of the reasons he was always trying to fix me up with girls.

_So why didn't he want the others to find out? _

It was 1943. What I was feeling for Loki was…it was unnatural. They would have abandoned me if they knew.

_Because you were attracted to Loki. _

Yes.

Guess not a lot has changed.

_How so? _

How do you think the other Avengers would react if they found out?

_I don't know. How would they react? _

They'd hate me. I hate me.

_Because he's a man? Or because he's Loki? _

Both.

_I don't think you're giving them enough credit. If you told them, they might surprise you. _

_So how was it that you watched him sleeping? You said you sketched him as he slept. _

I asked him to meet me by the fountain. I didn't think he'd actually be there, but he was. I confronted him, told him I thought he was a spy. I mean Sergeant Loki Friggason? Not exactly English. He said he couldn't tell me his real name, but he assured me his first name was Loki. The classified nature of his work prevented him from telling me more.

It was a little hard to believe, but he hadn't asked me anything war related, hadn't acted like a spy. Or maybe I just wanted to believe him. He reminded me that I was the one who had approached him and not vice versa. It was a fair point and one I couldn't contradict.

He grew impatient, asked if I had only joined him at the bar to see if he was a threat.

"No," I told him. I probably should have lied, but I'm glad I didn't.

"Does that mean I get to see your sketchbook?" he asked. "And I mean that both literally and as a euphemism." When I asked him what it was a euphemism for, he was very blunt.

_What did he say it was for? _

"For sex."

I don't think he liked my reaction, because he told me to go back to my friends and started walking away. I called to him to stop.

He asked me why.

I told him I still needed to determine if he was a spy. It was a lame excuse, but it was the only one I had.

"Show me your sketchbook, and I'll answer your questions," he replied. He meant it in the literal sense.

I agreed. I didn't even stop to think about it. I just said, "Okay."

I had never shown anyone my sketchbook before. It was scary to hand it over, like I was showing him a very private part of myself.

He looked through it, his face almost expressionless. His eyes ran over the various sketches. Sometimes his mouth would twitch or his eyebrow would rise. I felt like little Steve Rogers again.

_And by that you mean…?_

I felt vulnerable, exposed. But then he smiled and said it was impressive. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.

But it was time for me to ask my questions. I asked who he was.

"My name is Loki," he said. "If I told you my last name, you wouldn't believe me."

"Try me," I replied.

"You'll have to take it on faith. I am not your enemy." Later he told me it was Loki Thatcher. I believed him. I wanted to believe him.

I asked where he was stationed before. That's when he told me he was in Africa on a secret mission for the British government.

"So where's your tan?" I asked. Africa should not have left him that pale.

"I have delicate skin," he replied. "I always wore a hat."

Maybe I wanted to believe him. Maybe I was too stunned when he took my hand and put it against his cheek. It was cool, smooth. I loved how it felt, and my heart started to speed up. But then he kissed my palm, and I freaked out a little.

He asked to kiss me. I asked him why. "Because I find you intriguing," he told me. Not handsome. Not heroic. Intriguing.

No one had ever found me intriguing before. Why would they? I'm just a kid from Brooklyn who got beat up all the time. But he found me intriguing. The most intriguing man I had ever met in my life found me intriguing. Me, not Captain America.

He kissed me. I was so nervous. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to feel it because of all the butterflies in my stomach.

_Did you feel it? _

Yes.

_How did it make you feel? _

Tingly. I wanted more. Then I felt ashamed. Bucky would have been so disappointed in me. I had lied to him…partly lied. I had told Bucky I was meeting Loki to determine if he was a German spy or not when really I just wanted to be with him.

Loki knew. I think he may have known before I did. He told me it was okay, that I wasn't a freak or mentally unstable, that liking men was perfectly natural. I wanted to believe him.

That seems to be the running theme, doesn't it – me wanting to believe him.

He kissed me, and all I wanted was for his lips to stay on mine.

I kissed back when he started to pull away. I have no idea what possessed me to do that. But then he kissed me again and again. It was the most amazing thing I had ever felt. I never wanted it to end.

_But it did end. Everything ends. _

Yeah.

_So he was kissing you. And you were kissing him. _

Yeah.

_How did kissing him make you feel? _

Amazing. A little naughty. Less lonely.

_Had you ever kissed a man before? _

No. I've never kissed a man since.

_Did you have sex? _

No. Of course not. We had just met. It was already weird to be kissing him. But all we did was kiss.

We spent the entire night kissing. I've never experienced anything as intimate before or since. It was like…like our lips were made for each other.

He was patient, kind, never tried to push me to do anything I didn't want.

How do I reconcile that against the madman who tried to take over our world?

_Do you really think you need to? _

Something must have happened to him. I know Thor thought him dead at one point. Something must have happened to change him.

_You're probably right. _

_What are you thinking now? _

I'm thinking I need to talk to him. I need to find out what happened.

_Why? _

I just do. I just…I need to know if I could have prevented it.

_His actions aren't your responsibility. _

I know.

_You couldn't have prevented it any more than you could have prevented Bucky from falling out of that train. _

I told you I don't want to talk about that.

_You need to talk about it, Steve. _

I don't need to do anything except move on.

_You can't move on until you do. _

Bullshit.

Loki probably doesn't even remember me.

_Does it bother you that he might have forgotten? _

I know it shouldn't. I know there are lots of events that can be life changing for one person but completely forgotten by another. It still hurts.

_Have you experienced that before? _

Hasn't everyone?

_Yes, but many don't realize it. _

Yeah, well I do.

_Do you think you'll try to talk to Loki about this? _

How? There's no way to get to Asgard. Even if there were, what would be the point? He wouldn't remember anyway.

_You sound very sure about that. _

He's Asgardian, mythical, immortal. How many people do you think he's kissed in his lifetime? Why the Hell would he remember me?

_You're very special. _

Don't. I'm sick of hearing how special I am. I'm not special. I'm just trying to survive like everyone else.

_You have very special abilities. You're a hero. _

Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me. It's a sad world when kindness and compassion are considered rare, when negotiation is a bad word, when we don't even try to listen to each other.

_I'm listening. _

Because S.H.I.E.L.D. pays you to.

_Your friends listen. _

I want to see him again. I need to look in his eyes and see if any part of the man I knew is still in there.

_And if he isn't? _

It'll be easier to walk away.

_And if he is? _

Heaven help me.

_Do you want to see if he's there, or do you want to see if he remembers? _

Both.

_And if you could have any outcome, what would it be? Would he still be there? Would he remember? _

I don't know.

_What was your first reaction when I asked? _

Yes. Yes to both.

Guess I'm pretty messed up, huh.

_No, Steve. You're human. You had a very personal, very important experience with this person. It only stands to reason that you want it to be important to him, too. _

I used to sometimes wonder if it had really happened or if I had dreamt it all. It was too perfect to be real.

But if it had been a dream…

_If it had been a dream? _

Nothing.

_You're blushing. Have you dreamed of him? _

Doesn't matter.

_Were they sexual dreams? _

Doesn't matter.

_Did they give you an erection? _

I said I don't want to talk about it.

_Steve, your sexuality is important. You need to come to terms with it. Loki was right. Being homosexual isn't a disease. _

I'm not homosexual! I like women. Okay? I loved Peggy.

_Being bisexual isn't a disease either. It's okay to have dreams about the Loki you knew. It's okay if they arouse you. _

No, it isn't.

_Why not? _

Because I'm not supposed to think of men that way. I'm not supposed to want…

_To want what? _

I'm learning about Vietnam. I don't understand why the government would send troops to a war they never intended to win.

_You're avoiding the question. What are you not supposed to want? _

They called it a quagmire. And it just kept escalating.

_What are you not supposed to want, Steve? _

So many young men died for no reason.

_What are you not supposed to want, Steve? To see Loki naked? To feel his body against yours? _

It's no wonder people lost faith in their government.

_Did you dream about him touching you? _

_Did you like it? _

_Did you wake up feeling dirty and disgusted with yourself but unable to stop thinking about it? _

_Did you think of him when you masturbated? _

What the hell kind of questions are those?

_Did you? _

It doesn't matter.

_I think it does matter. I think it matters a whole lot to you. I think Loki represents a part of you that you don't want to acknowledge. It's okay to be attracted to him. It's okay to want him physically. You're a man. You said it yourself. You're just a guy from Brooklyn. And guys from Brooklyn have needs. _

I'm done.

_Were the dreams of Loki more or less intimate than the ones of Peggy? _

What?!

_You're human, Steve. Humans have sexual dreams. No doubt both Peggy and Loki have played a part in them. I think we should explore what needs they fulfilled in your dreams. _

_Would you rather discuss the ones with Peggy? _

I shouldn't have told you this. I should have kept my mouth shut.

_You needed to talk about it. I'm very glad that you did. You can talk about anything with me. _

_But I've obviously pushed too far. Okay, Vietnam was a bad decision. _

It was a series of bad decisions.

_Perhaps it was a series of bad decisions that led Loki to where he is now. _

_If you were to go see Loki, how would you approach the conversation? Would you ask him bluntly if he remembers? _

I don't know.

_I'd like you to write him a letter. I want you to write down what you would like to say to him. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be honest. Can you do that? _

I suppose.

_I'd like you to bring it in next week. I won't read it if you don't want me to. I just want to know you did it. _

Fine.

_Good. _

_I think this was a very important session today, Steve. I think we made some good progress. _

If you say so.

_Next time I'd really like to discuss your dreams. I realize they're intimate and you maybe think they're a little embarrassing. But I can assure you I've heard more embarrassing ones from other patients. _

_Do you think maybe you'd be willing to discuss them? _

You're asking a lot.

_I know. But I wouldn't ask if I didn't think you were capable. _

A letter to Loki.

_Yes. _

Okay. Can I leave now?

_We've still got some time. Do you want to talk about Vietnam? _

If…If somehow I could go to Asgard, do you think I should?

_That's not something I can decide for you. _

I'm not asking for you to decide. I'm asking for advice.

_Would seeing him help? _

I don't know.

_Do you think it will help you to stop feeling responsible for what happened? _

I don't…I don't feel responsible.

_Then what would you be hoping to get from seeing Loki? _

I just…

I want to know…

I need to know if he's still in there somewhere.

_You 'need to know'. Sounds like you already know what you would choose. _

A series of bad decisions.

_His or yours? _

Not sure yet.

_Do you think it was a bad decision taking him back to your room? _

No. That's one decision I've never regretted. And I'm actually kind of glad I didn't remember until now. Not sure how I would've reacted in Germany if I had known who he was.

He was the enemy. Thinking of him in any other way would have just muddied things.

I had a mission. I fulfilled it. It wasn't pretty, but we succeeded.

'_We succeeded.' You had a mission, but 'we succeeded'. _

It took the entire team.

_So then you were necessary to the success in New York. _

I really hate it when you do that.

_Do what? _

Use my words against me.

We done yet?

_You are always so anxious to leave here. _

Isn't everyone?

_No. I have some patients who are actually disappointed when it's time to go. _

Maybe you should give one of them my slot.

_Well now you're just hurting my feelings. _

Sorry, Doc.

_It's okay. I'll let you out a little early as long as you promise to have that letter written for next time. _

I promise. Thanks, Doc. I think this actually might have helped. Go figure.


End file.
